Mediawatch

Imaginary Conversation Of The Day
"Enjoy your flight home, Ruud."

"Yeah, tell it to your dad."


Toadwatch: An Update
From The Sun, p19:

'On 13 February we published an article headed "Who bum it?" reporting that two Premiership footballers and a music industry figure had a "gay romp" in which a mobile phone was used as a "gay sex toy".

'On 16th February we published a picture of Mr Cole and his fiancée headed 'Ashley's got a good taste in rings.

'Some readers have understood that Mr Cole was one of the two Premiership players involved in the gay sex and that Choice FM DJ, Masterstepz, was the music industry figure.

'We are happy to make clear that Mr Cole and Masterstepz were not involved in any such activities. We apologise to them for any distress caused and we are paying each of them a sum by way of damages. The Sun wishes Ashley all the best for next Saturday's World Cup quarter-final.'

From The Sun, p56:

'Ashley Cole: Dream Team Star Man. Brilliant saving challenge to divert Tenorio's goal-bound shot against the bar and kept a tight rein on Valencia. back to fitness, his display was vital. 8'


How Vomiting Works
Said David Beckham after the match:

"It just came out."

Well, we're glad that's been cleared up. Well, we assume so anyway.


Commentate By Numbers
Seven minutes and 48 seconds - How long it took John Motson to mention the prospect of penalties.


The Expert View
Said Mark Lawrenson after David Beckham had bent his unstoppable free-kick over the wall, seen it completely evade the goalkeeper and take the paint off the post on its way into the back of the net:

"I think that was a good free-kick."

Thanks. For. That.


Childish Giggle Of The Day
Shortly after England's win over Ecuador espn.com's headline story was accompanied by a picture of David Beckham celebrating his winning goal.

The headline? 'A Real Bender!'

Boom, and indeed, boom.


The Power Behind The Throne
From the Sunday People online:

'Back Off Becks - It's Not His Fault He's Missing His Right-Hand Man: David Beckham needs Gary Neville back on the pitch, says Gary Neville.'


And Now For Something Completely Different
So, what are Dirty Harry Redknapp and John Gregory up to this summer?

Well, we all know Arry's trying the revolutionary tactic of bidding for every player in football, but you might be surprised to learn he's also taking part in some extra-curricular activity - helping the nation's fledgling football stars as John Gregory's opposite number on Channel Five's 'Match Academy'.

Each has taken control of a team - Harry's Hotshots and Gregory's Giants - of nine-year-olds, who will eventually be pitted against each other for the benefit of the viewing public.

One highlight of this week's show was the comment by the narrator that the two men's different managerial styles were on display - mainly due to the fact that Arry "likes his coaches to take control of day-to-day training" (as a result, Arry probably won't be putting in any work for his paycheck until the final show), whereas the otherwise-unemployed Gregory is there every single day (ensuring maximum exposure, says the cynic in Mediawatch).

However, the stand-out moment has to be an attempt by Gregory to rouse the spirits of his jaded players following a training session. Dressed in faded jeans and a long leather coat (which we're fairly sure he never thought about taking off once - damn that man's ice cold), he reached for a strategically-placed acoustic guitar and proceeded to serenade the players with David Brent-esque results. A sing-a-long ensued to a tune that Mediawatch was too busy choking on its cornflakes to note, as fits of laughter spread round the changing room.

With antics like that, it really is a wonder how Stanley got so depressed at Villa.


When Referees Attack
Said Clive Tyldesley, five minutes into Holland v Portugal:

"The word is, the spirit in the Dutch camp has never been better."

How about now?


Legal Eagles
On Saturday morning, following the conclusion of the Football League's claim for damages against its former solicitors, the BBC website ran a story with the triumphant headline 'Football League Wins Damages Bid'.

An hour or so later - presumably after some financial wizard or other at the Corporation had pointed out to them that being awarded £4 (yes, four English pounds) after claiming damages of £150m hardly constituted a victory - the BBC sheepishly changed one key word in their headline, so that it read 'Football League Loses Damages Bid'.


For Your Licence Fee Today
The BBC's live text commentary, 87 minutes into Argentina's win over Mexico, with the score balanced at 1-1:

'The next goal could win it.'


The Possibly No Longer Italian Job
Says Internazionale owner Massimo Moratti, as Italian football awaits the outcome of the biggest footballing scandal since Djimi Traore was awarded a Champions League medal:

"It could be an idea to move abroad. Continuing your business abroad could be an idea if you see there's no way to ensure rules are applied. If football here can't be honest and if dishonest football is not punished, maybe it is possible to host a big club in a foreign league. I want to study the feasibility."

While Mediawatch thinks Inter's move abroad is about as likely to happen as an Italian team winning the league without bribing every referee in the country, we couldn't help but be amused at Moratti's solution to the problem:

"If Juventus and Milan are sentenced I think first place should be given to Inter."

We'd never have guessed.


The Unbiased Opinion
"There are four more knockout games over the next two days - the best three are on ITV" - Gabby Logan.


We've Been Driving In Our Car
If there's one thing Mediawatch enjoys more than laughing at footballers, it's when other people do it. Then, to use the parlance of our times, fall on their arses. From the BBC's text commentary of the Canadian Grand Prix:

'1741: The cars head out to line up on the grid under blazing sunshine in Montreal. The track temperature is a roasting 46 degrees - and you would not catch F1 drivers moaning like footballers about racing in hot conditions.

'1749: The drivers begin to put on their helmets and most of them in fact are complaining about the heat. When conditions are so hot it can affect the brakes and tyres in particular.'

But let's be fair, they do drive round and round in circles for ages. Now that's sport.


Headline Of The Day
'The Spewtiful Game' - The Daily Mirror.

Non-England Headline Of The Day
'Maxi KO's Mexico' - Sporting Life.

Joint Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Roodunnit' - The Sun.

'That's Shut Roo Up' - The Daily Mirror.

< b>Quote Of The Day
"I consider the referee was not at the same level as the participants, the players. I think there could have been a yellow card for the referee" - Sepp Blatter's solution for the Portugal v Holland multiple card farce.

Non-Football Rumour Of The Day
'Women like a quickie under the duvet just as much as men. Most modern females would rather have a ten-minute romp than a tantric sex marathon, according to research...The beach, along with fields and desert islands, was included in a list of would-be fantasy locations for sex, which also included Headingley Rugby League ground in Leeds' - The Daily Star.


Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: Beth Alison (welcome back), Statto, Luke Davis, Iain Buglass, Ben Wheway, Ed Kruczek and the genius Steven Ward. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail theeditor@football365.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

England Latest